Thursday, October 4, 2018

I'm Gonna Fail!

In my undergraduate sophomore year in college, every time I had a test or quiz, the same scene would play out.

"I'm gonna fail!" I would exclaim while stressing over the pages in front of me, but my roommate rolled her eyes. "No, you're not."

And she was always right. I almost always passed with A's and sometimes B's. I only failed one quiz in my college career, and I dropped the class soon after that once I realized I had spread myself too thin. I agonized over my decision to drop the class, and I felt like a complete failure. I had even spoke with a professor about my decision, and he seemed very nonchalant about the whole situation. He had dropped many classes before, and he was no where near perfect. Even though he had a Ph.D., he actually had made C's in his undergraduate years. To him, dropping one class wasn't a big deal, but to me, it felt like a mountain.

I was reminded of this memory while listening to Hermoine Granger fret over her O.W.L.S. in the sixth book, Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince. I completely understood how she felt, as she started to convenience herself that she was going to fail every single test. In the end, Hermoine got top marks, but she was still disappointed that she didn't get the very top mark for one class. Almost all outstanding and one exceeds expectations, and she felt like a failure.

I frequently have that problem. I constantly feel like a failure even when one thing goes wrong. I forgot to check the quotations in this manuscript; I'm a failure. I didn't manage to vacuum the floors this Saturday; I'm a failure. I made an awkward joke and it fell flat; I'm a failure.

It's cliche to constantly repeat that everyone makes mistakes, but it's true. It's okay to make a mistake. It's okay to mess up. It's as common as people passing stools. It's just a thing we must accept in life, but it's still really hard to accept. Do I have any worth if I make mistakes? If I don't get straight A's or have the best work performance, do I even deserve any good feelings that may be sent my way?

And this is where self-compassion comes in. Self-Compassion is sort of the "new" self-esteem. It's about forgiving yourself and treating yourself with kindness. I'm not very good at, but I am trying to practice it. I practice it by giving myself a break, even if I haven't finished all my work. I practice by forgiving myself for missing an email, and reminding myself that I'm not an idiot, just overwhelmed. I also practice self-compassion by taking a deep breath whenever my brain tries to bully me and convince me I'm worthless, and then reminding myself that making one mistake doesn't mean I'm worthless. It just means I'm human.

Monday, July 30, 2018

Irrational Anxiety

I've tried to sit down and write this post a couple times this week. I usually begin by convincing myself that I need to search social media and look at other people's works to get my brain going, but I'm beginning to think that that's just a cop out. It's as if my anxiety is taking control of my unconscious thoughts. What if people don't like my post? What if I mess up? What if someone actually wants to talk to me and comments on the posts I write? It seems a little silly, doesn't it? But the anxiety is like a little bug that hijacks your thoughts, and if you're not careful, you can become its zombie.

I have experienced more anxiety in these past ten months than I have in my entire life. I am experiencing anxiety over things that generally didn't bother me as much in the past. Two days ago, I decided that I wanted to go home to visit my pets. I discussed the plans with my parents, found a surprisingly cheap plane ticket, and then procrastinated. When my mom asked why I hadn't bought it yet, I told her I'd buy it later. I put it off until about 9 or 10 at night.

Once I finally sat down to buy the ticket, I could feel the anxiety rising, and it felt absolutely ridiculous. All I was doing was buying a plane ticket. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see my family, but I began to worry about everything that was out of my control. I started thinking about plane hijackings, bad weather, seeing an abusive ex at an airport, just having to deal with people in general. On some level, I knew my worries were completely irrational and not at all important at the moment. All I wanted to do was book a plane ticket. I wasn't getting on the plane for another couple of months. I could worry about those things later, but the worry about them almost prevented me from buying the ticket. I deliberated a lot until I finally clicked on confirm. Once I clicked confirm and walked away from my computer, the anxiety melted away.

I struggled to do something that I wanted all because of the anxiety and fear of the unknown. Sometimes just knowing the facts doesn't help either. Do I know that flying by plane is much safer than riding by car? Oh, yes, I do know that, but did that stop the worrying and tension I felt in my body? Nope. Not a bit.

The only thing that helped me to overcome the anxiety was to push past the fears holding me back and do what I was afraid of anyway. It reminded me of what Rachel (from Rachel and Jun) mentioned in her vlog on anxiety. The only way to really overcome the anxiety is to do what you're afraid of, and it sucks. It's extremely unpleasant, both in your thoughts and in your body. In my case, I can feel my thoughts screaming at me, "We're all gonna die!" and I can feel my muscles contracting and sometimes shaking. I constantly have to remind myself to relax my foot because it always seems to be contracted and lifted whenever I think about something that makes me anxious. My leg muscles have been extra tight lightly, and my headaches are starting up again. My jaw always hurts more after a day of high anxiety.

It would be easier and much less painful to avoid whatever makes me anxious, but then I wouldn't be able to function as a human being. I wouldn't be able to go to work, fly home to see my family, go to the grocery store, take public transportation, or even just go outside and take a walk in my neighborhood. And there are many times when I don't do the things I want to do because I'm afraid I might run into someone. I simply surpress the fear by deciding not to go outside that day, and many times on the weekends, I don't go outside at all. It's not completely terrible, and staying at home has some perks, but it does prevent me from getting work done. And at the end of it all, I have all these errands and chores that I should have done but procrastinated on because of anxiety.

It's a difficult and exhausting disorder to live with, and I am doubtful that it'll ever go away. I have always tended towards the anxious side and anxiety runs in my family. I just didn't realize all this until I was much older and could finally understand what anxiety felt like and how it was holding me back. I do feel utterly ridiculous sometimes that I struggle to complete tasks that most people can do without thinking. I have done them without thinking anxious thoughts in the past, but now? Now it's different for some reason. Now it's harder to control the anxiety, and it's more pervasive than ever. I haven't had a full night of sleep since September, but in order to break through the anxiety, I have to keep pushing myself. It's a constant struggle. I just hope one day I'll get to the other side of this disorder and come out finally with some well earned rest and a quiet mind.

Wednesday, January 10, 2018

Bout of Books #21 - Day 3

I'm afraid I completely forgot about the Bout of Books challenge on Day 1, but I managed to read at least 15-30 minutes before bed. I've mostly read Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes, and I'm 50% finished.

On Tuesday, I worked late and didn't read at all! After working and cooking, I honestly didn't feel like I had the energy to read, which is funny, considering I watched a couple episodes of Scrubs. I could come up with lame excuse that I was unmotivated or too tired to read, but the truth is the only way to read more is to just do it before your brain starts to make excuses.

Here's to more reading later this week. May my excuses be gone, and my eyes be hungry for words.

Sunday, January 7, 2018

I'm Joining Bout of Books #21!

The Bout of Books read-a-thon is organized by Amanda Shofner and Kelly @ Reading the Paranormal. It is a week long read-a-thon that begins 12:01am Monday, January 8th and runs through Sunday, January 14th in whatever time zone you are in. Bout of Books is low-pressure. There are challenges, giveaways, and a grand prize, but all of these are completely optional. For all Bout of Books 21 information and updates, be sure to visit the Bout of Books blog. - From the Bout of Books team 

It's been a while since I've done some serious reading, and I would like to read more. So, for this reason, I will be participating in the Bout of Books read-a-thon, starting on Monday! My goal is to read for one hour a day. The books on the docket include The Burning Bridge by John Flanagan, the second book in the Ranger's Apprentice serious and Hope and Help for Your Nerves by Claire Weekes.