I've tried to sit down and write this post a couple times this week. I usually begin by convincing myself that I need to search social media and look at other people's works to get my brain going, but I'm beginning to think that that's just a cop out. It's as if my anxiety is taking control of my unconscious thoughts. What if people don't like my post? What if I mess up? What if someone actually wants to talk to me and comments on the posts I write? It seems a little silly, doesn't it? But the anxiety is like a little bug that hijacks your thoughts, and if you're not careful, you can become its zombie.
I have experienced more anxiety in these past ten months than I have in my entire life. I am experiencing anxiety over things that generally didn't bother me as much in the past. Two days ago, I decided that I wanted to go home to visit my pets. I discussed the plans with my parents, found a surprisingly cheap plane ticket, and then procrastinated. When my mom asked why I hadn't bought it yet, I told her I'd buy it later. I put it off until about 9 or 10 at night.
Once I finally sat down to buy the ticket, I could feel the anxiety rising, and it felt absolutely ridiculous. All I was doing was buying a plane ticket. I wanted to go home. I wanted to see my family, but I began to worry about everything that was out of my control. I started thinking about plane hijackings, bad weather, seeing an abusive ex at an airport, just having to deal with people in general. On some level, I knew my worries were completely irrational and not at all important at the moment. All I wanted to do was book a plane ticket. I wasn't getting on the plane for another couple of months. I could worry about those things later, but the worry about them almost prevented me from buying the ticket. I deliberated a lot until I finally clicked on confirm. Once I clicked confirm and walked away from my computer, the anxiety melted away.
I struggled to do something that I wanted all because of the anxiety and fear of the unknown. Sometimes just knowing the facts doesn't help either. Do I know that flying by plane is much safer than riding by car? Oh, yes, I do know that, but did that stop the worrying and tension I felt in my body? Nope. Not a bit.
The only thing that helped me to overcome the anxiety was to push past the fears holding me back and do what I was afraid of anyway. It reminded me of what Rachel (from Rachel and Jun) mentioned in her vlog on anxiety. The only way to really overcome the anxiety is to do what you're afraid of, and it sucks. It's extremely unpleasant, both in your thoughts and in your body. In my case, I can feel my thoughts screaming at me, "We're all gonna die!" and I can feel my muscles contracting and sometimes shaking. I constantly have to remind myself to relax my foot because it always seems to be contracted and lifted whenever I think about something that makes me anxious. My leg muscles have been extra tight lightly, and my headaches are starting up again. My jaw always hurts more after a day of high anxiety.
It would be easier and much less painful to avoid whatever makes me anxious, but then I wouldn't be able to function as a human being. I wouldn't be able to go to work, fly home to see my family, go to the grocery store, take public transportation, or even just go outside and take a walk in my neighborhood. And there are many times when I don't do the things I want to do because I'm afraid I might run into someone. I simply surpress the fear by deciding not to go outside that day, and many times on the weekends, I don't go outside at all. It's not completely terrible, and staying at home has some perks, but it does prevent me from getting work done. And at the end of it all, I have all these errands and chores that I should have done but procrastinated on because of anxiety.
It's a difficult and exhausting disorder to live with, and I am doubtful that it'll ever go away. I have always tended towards the anxious side and anxiety runs in my family. I just didn't realize all this until I was much older and could finally understand what anxiety felt like and how it was holding me back. I do feel utterly ridiculous sometimes that I struggle to complete tasks that most people can do without thinking. I have done them without thinking anxious thoughts in the past, but now? Now it's different for some reason. Now it's harder to control the anxiety, and it's more pervasive than ever. I haven't had a full night of sleep since September, but in order to break through the anxiety, I have to keep pushing myself. It's a constant struggle. I just hope one day I'll get to the other side of this disorder and come out finally with some well earned rest and a quiet mind.
