How to Deal With a Religious Family

Step 1: Pretend you're religious by smiling and nodding when your family mentions God.

I truly don't have any advice for dealing with family members who insist that your way is wrong and their way is right. Mr. Atheist suggests coming out to someone in your family who feels the same way that you do, and perhaps speaking with the host ahead of time. If you don't feel comfortable hanging out with your family who tends to shove religiosity down your throat, you can bow out and leave.

For the most part, my younger sister and I are in the same boat. We're not all that religious and find life to be satisfying without following the church's doctrine, but we have different ways of confronting the issue. My younger sister prefers to cut off contact and not show up to family gatherings. I show up and just play along. Sure, I'll hold hands and say grace to keep the peace. I'll even pretend to listen and keep my thoughts to myself when my aunts and uncles talk about the ways God has blessed them by not giving them a job promotion. I'll even respond with "okay" when my mom tells me to say my prayers. On the other hand, my younger sister only talks to my mom when she needs something and otherwise avoids contact with her: no phone calls, no visits.

I've never told my family explicitly that I'm an atheist even though I'm pretty sure my mom knows that I don't believe anymore. She told me she's not sure why I think and believe differently from her when she's the one who raised me. It's disappointing to hear something like that coming from your own mom. I know religion is important to my mom, so I keep my opinions to myself. But somehow I feel like I've still disappointed her. I've learned to live with that disappointment, and I think at this point, my mom has too, or perhaps I'm deluding myself.

I keep telling myself I'll come out after my grandparents pass away because after that, it doesn't matter anymore. For the longest time, I was afraid I would be kicked out of the family because I don't believe. I have avoided phone calls and letters from my grandparents out of guilt that I don't think the same way as they do. Out of guilt or perhaps fear that they'll discover a wolf in sheep's clothes and be very disappointment in me. I feel anxious around my family, especially my grandparents, and I hope they never discover my secret (that I am blatantly putting on the Internet, the least secret place in the entire universe). Last year I had a panic attack in my sleep because I was so worried about going to my grandparents' house in my dreams.

It might be easier to deal with if they shared the same values as me, but we don't share the same values and we seem to be on the opposite side of the spectrum. For now, I'll bide my time and keep my opinions to myself. I'm lucky in the fact that I don't have to live near them anymore so I don't have to hide my true self as much. It feels weird when they say things like, "Oh, we miss you since you're so far away." It feels like they're just saying it to say it and that it couldn't possibly be true since they don't even know the real me.

Family is difficult, and I'm afraid I don't have any answers. I've chosen the route with the least conflict but also with the least satisfying outcome for the relationships with my family. I don't hate my family, and I don't think they're terrible people whom I should cut off. I just wish they would talk less about religion so I didn't have to dread going to their houses for holidays.

Maggot Update

They're still in my apartment! I've thrown out trash and a couple plants and cleaned up some dishes, but they're still appearing at night on my ceiling. Where are they coming from?! It's so disgusting.

Stewing in My Own Mess

It's not uncommon for people with mental illness to have messy homes. Some of the symptoms of mental illness include going catatonic and not being able to do anything. This can happen in both depression and anxiety but for different reasons. During a depressive episode, someone may not clean because they don't have the energy or they don't feel like it's worth it. With anxiety, someone may avoid cleaning because they feel overwhelmed or feel they just can't do it properly right now at this moment. When you have both anxiety and depression, it's just a catastrophe.

I must now come clean and confess my mess. It's disgusting, and I'm pretty sure a health hazard. Some weeks, I manage to wash my dishes three times a week. Other weeks, I avoid them like the plague, and then avoid them for a few more days after they start to smell. I should get to that, I tell myself. Yes, but not now. I'm too tired. I feel too restless to stand at a sink and wash dishes. It takes too much effort. I have a lot of excuses.

The piles of nastiness pile up faster than my excuses. Sometimes I have three trash bags in the apartment. The one in the garbage can is full, so I start a new one. I put that new one somewhere on a shelf or box, out of reach of the dog. Oh, that one is full. Time to start a new one. No, I haven't managed to take out any of the bags yet. I will do that...eventually!

Sometimes I run out of clean underwear for two or three days before I actually do laundry. Like I said, it's a health hazard.

I've tried to take a page out of Dana White's playbook and just do a little at a time. This "little at a time" only lasts for one day or so.  I checked out Clean Mama's blog and followed her Instagram, but I scoff every time I see her post. Cleaning takes a lot more effort than she suggests. It's easy if you keep up with it! That's what they say. And maybe it is easier when you only have one bag of trash to take out instead of three, but even that one bag of trash requires a lot of effort when you have to walk out of your apartment, down the stairs, and 50 yards to the nearest dumpster.

I don't have any solutions to this health hazard problem yet. I have to constantly catch myself leaving trash or stuff all over and then have to force myself to put the item in its correct place. Doing this is exhausting. Maybe it becomes easier over time, but cleaning seems to require so much mindfulness and energy that I don't have right now. It's extremely disheartening, and I beat myself up constantly for not having a clean apartment and for not being able to do the basics, such as wash my dishes and put away laundry.

My therapist says that chores can always be done another day, but I'm not so sure that's the case when you have maggots in your house, and you're not sure where they're coming from. But at least getting maggots on my ceiling encouraged me to finally take out the trash.